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          Yeah, I know. Everyone does top ten lists. They're cliche. But they're so much fun! At least, the good ones are. There are a lot of bad or just mediocre TTLs out there. But dammit, if a show is any good, you can at least squeeze one good top ten list out of it! If you can't, there is something lacking. Galaxy Rangers have inspired quite a few for me, and for some of my fellow fen. This is what I have come up with so far.
          I have tried to give full credit for ideas and additions from others. If I missed anything, please let me know.

The Top 10 Things the Rangers Don't Want to Hear

10. "Ranger Buzzwang will be your backup."
9. "This is Spacepeace! Uh, like, could you give us a hand?"
8. "Hey look--Nimrod made another video!"
7. "Next time you crash one of the ships, it comes out of your paycheck."
6. "Due to budget cuts..."
5. "Longshot needs someone to test something hideously dangerous. Your name came up."
4. "Root beer? What happened to the Supertrooper Juice?"
3. "Yo, did that scarecrow move?"
2. "I would've sworn we packed the spacesuits."

And what the rangers dread hearing the most:

1. "May I present--Premier Wheiner!"

Additions

11. "You know that song you did on the Battle of the Bands? Well, it's #1-they want you to tour." (Jessica Krucek)
12. "As part of an officer exchange program with the Crown Empire..." (Jessica again)
13. (as Stingray and Killbane enter the room) "We've granted the Supertroopers amnesty. Meet your new partners." (Michelle Krucek)

The Rangers' Top 10 Survival Tips

10. Never let Gooseman drive. He forgets that not everyone has bio-defenses...
9. Always carry bribe money. Crown agents aren't paid nearly enough...
8. VIPs are always trouble. If they're involved, expect the worst.
7. Pay attention to the natives, no matter how looney they seem. They usually know what they're talking about...
6. Always carry the best bug repellent possible, especially if you're going to Bistee-Fenokee...
5. Never argue with lunatics and rioters. Just deck 'em.
4. Learn to fence. You never know when you'll be deprived of blasters...
3. Buzzwang might be able to save your butt, but only a fool would rely on him...
2. Sleeping with the enemy is just asking for trouble...

And the Rangers' #1 survival tip:

1. Humans are the looniest people in the galaxy. You can catch more criminals off-guard with that rep...

          Picture this: It's late. You've been watching GR for six straight hours, and your brain is hopelessly fried. You forget "it's just a cartoon". So you start to wonder...

The Top 10 Nagging Little Questions of GR

10. Where did Bubblehead finally end up? ("Birds of a Feather")
9. Did Senator Gann really end up in prison, or did she weasel her way out of it somehow? ("Smuggler's Gauntlet")
8. Did the Baarvoolian Sponge Fish work, and did they result in slaverlords that walked into walls? ("Psychocrypt")
7. When the rangers won that recording contract, did they cut an album? (And can I buy it anywhere?:) ("Battle of the Bandits")
6. How did the Space Sorcerers all become extinct anyway? Did Mogul annoy them to death or what? ("Space Sorcerer")
5. Why didn't Niko ever get jealous when Goose flirted with Annie O? ("Westride", also, "Edge of Darkness")
4. How did the General get ahold of (much less figure out) an advanced teleportation system from another galaxy? ("Tower of Combat")
3. Max Sawyer: traitor, or man with enemies in high places? ("Gift of Life")
2. Who was that dude arguing with Commander Walsh about Goose's future? ("Galaxy Stranger")
1. What, exactly, happened on Floko that caused Niko that much embarrasment? Was she in charge of that boondoggle, or what? ("Scarecrow")

          This was prompted by some baaad TV (and comics). I don't care how much you like the stuff put out by some of these people, some things just aren't GR...

The 10 Companies We Hope Never Get the Rights to the Galaxy Rangers

10. Filmation. ("By the power of Greysk..uh, BETA..")
9. Disney. (Every time the Rangers arrest someone, Zach sings "Be Our Guest"...)
8. Ten-Thirteen. ("The truth is out...here, I guess...")
7. Hanna-Barabara. ("Hey gang, all aboard the Mystery-1!")
6. Image Comics. (Can you say, "Steriods" and "Breast Implants"? I knew you could.)
5. Marvel Comics. (Dark Niko!!)
4. DC Comics. (After the untimely deaths of the original rangers...)
3. Warner Bros. ("We'll get Arnold Schwarzenegger to play Goose...")
2. Any of the companies that think up stuff like "The Adventures of the Book of Virtues" and "Jay Jay the Jet Plane".

And #1:

1. Paramount. (God help the Rangers. Spare us, please!).

          Speaking of bad TV, a major complaint of the GR fans is the fact that many non-fans think we're about the Power Rangers, a show most of us hate. This confusion doesn't help our opinion of it...
          Please note that I used to kinda like the Power Rangers. It was like watching a live-action "Voltron" with the utter goofiness of a bad "Gamera" or "Godzilla" movie. It's just plain stupid now.
          Question: What's with the frigging elf? Wasn't Alpha cutesy enough?

Why the Galaxy Rangers are Better Than the Power Rangers

1. They're out of High School, graduated from the Acadamy, and some of them even have higher degrees...
2. At least Buzzwang doesn't go "Ai yi yi!"
   • and if he did, the G Rangers would have him reprogrammed immediatly!
3. They never needed a 50 foot Zord to deal with a critter the size of Godzilla...
4. If they did get a Zord, they would probably land it on Tortuna, and squish the Queen flat...
   • As opposed to hanging around waiting for her to build her own.
5. The G Rangers have kept the Queen from setting one foot on the planet. (granted, she blew a mondo chunk out of the Moon, and shot up BETA Mountain, but she has never landed anything on the planet...)
6. Walsh would never replace Doc with a f****** kid!
7. The S5s don't wear silly costumes every time they go into battle...
   • and when they do, they at least look good!
8. The Galaxy Rangers get to travel a lot. The Power Rangers sit on Earth, and wait for the aliens to show up...
9. If Bulk and Skull shadowed the S5s, Goose'd slap 'em around, and then Zach'd throw 'em in the brig...
10. The Galaxy Rangers at least have guns for when fists and badges aren't enough...
11. Four S5s kick more butt than 6 or 7 morphin' idiots!
12. Trition, Brutus, Mel and Voyager are a hell of a lot cooler than those stupid car zords in use now...
13. Most bad guys come lookin' to fight the Power Rangers. Most bad guys would rather avoid the Galaxy Rangers...
14. A Galaxy Ranger can sometimes resolve a situation without calling the whole frigging team in. (Name me an ep where a Power Ranger dealt with whatever plot without the whole team showing up to help. I dare you. Just one.)
15. "Galaxy Rangers, Ho!" is somehow more evocative than "It's Morphing Time!".

          SashaTwen came up with the idea for this one, and the two of us spent a good hour and a half on IRC tossing ideas around for this. These are the best of them. Believe it or not, I cut the really tacky ones. (In case you were wondering, mine are tackier than Sasha's. I'm naturally depraved...)

The 10+ things the Queen of the Crown does not want you to know...

1. At night, she can be found hiding under her covers reading "Hot Nights of Psychic Passion".
2. The reason she goes after the Gerkins is because she was forced to eat pickles as a child...
3. Those Baarvoolian Spongefish really did make good Slaverlords--problem was, they kept running into walls and bubbling.
4. The reason her android guards are so incompetent is because they run on Windows 95.
5. She secretly desires Gooseman.
6. Lazarus Slade keeps sending her blood red roses and marriage proposals on blood-dripping cardboard every Sunday, and she's too flattered to splatter his guts over the whole planet.
7. Her bedroom is filled with cute stuffed animals, including an assortment of Kiwis, a Brontobear, and a "Cuddle-Me Goose".
8. William Shatner once offered her his toupe, and she's been voluntarily bald ever since.
9. The reason she wants Bubblehead back is because he has her diary in his memory banks...
10. She became a galactic conquerer while trying to destroy all copies of her high school yearbook in existence (she was voted "Most likely to be mistaken for a planet"...)
11. The reason she's purple is that's the only color the makeup she uses to hide her zits comes in...
12. She got the whole psychocrypt thing from watching "Superman II"
13. She keeps a copy of the autographed collector's edition of the "Psychocrystal" CD in her room, and she even took breakdancing lessons to fully appreciate it.
14. She still keeps a picture of Joey, Danny and Jordan (the New Kids on the Block) inside her locker...
15. She once applied for "Wheel of Fortune" but was rejected because her costume clashed with the background.
16. She has the complete run of "Smurfs" on tape.
17. She was the one who broke Mark Hamill's nose when she found out he was Vader's son, and that she hadn't been the only woman in the Dark Lord's life...
18. Somewhere, out there, there are copies of the video taken when she got really wasted last New Years...
19. She is a charter member of the "David Duchovney Estrogen Brigade" and established an empire-wide "grievance day" when he got married.
20. Her greatest treasure of all is her collection of Star Wars action figures. She still wants the Yoda with the miscolored green crutch, but she really can't afford it...

          SashaTwen and Bruinhilda take a bow, then run for their lives! The Queen has just tripled the prices on their heads...

          Okay, this one isn't really a top ten list. It's my idea for a GR themed "excuse shirt". You recall those. They became almost as prevalent and annoying as those "Baby on Board" signs. (I admit, I have a ST:TNG one) Additions or rewording suggestions are welcome.

The Galaxy Ranger Excuse Shirt

• I'm in the Psychocrypt
• Buzzwang fell apart
• Out sick with "Don Quixote Syndrome"
• Somebody stole my Robo-Steed
• Busy smuggling Gerkin refugees
• Hijacked by Daisy O'Mega
• Being hunted by Nimrod
• Currently undercover on Tortuna
• I accidentally touched a Po Mutant Sensation Doll
• Wheiner said he'd arrest me if I did that
• My scanner was eaten by Bistee-Fenokee bugs
• I don't have enough Runaway Berries to deal with all those Anterian Vampire Fish
• Answering a Code 5 at the science fair
• Stuck babysitting the Kiwi Kids
• A Bronto Bear stepped on my ship
• Niko sense trouble
• Doc rewired those circuts
• Got sucked into Entropy's Edge
• Goose's, uh, "relatives" came to visit
• I don't have enough to bribe the Crown Guards
• My ship got rerouted by (pick one)
  1. Kidd's hyperdredge
  2. A powerful psychic race
  3. The Scarcrow's crashing into it
• Eh, Walsh gave us 24 hours, plenty of time
• Zach had a conniption fit last time we did that
• The Queens Armada just warped out near (pick one)
  1. Saturn
  2. Kirwin
  3. New Jersy
• The Black Hole gang is gunning for me
• That's it, it's your turn, bub!:-)

          This arose from a discussion wondering what people's reactions would be if Niko told them she was pregnant (and Gooseman was the father). This is what I came up with, refined and added to by Jessica(Allronix) and Mel`(Christy).

What They Said

<fade in>
Zach: "You're what?!?"
Doc: "You're kidding, right?"
Zozo: "Pregnant? How wonderful! How many are you going to have?"
Waldo: "I see. Have you informed the Commander yet?"
Walsh: "Could you please repeat that, Ranger Niko?"
Ariel: "I'm gonna be a Grandma!"
Goose: *thunk*
When he recovers: "Is it mine?"
Niko: "Of course it's yours you..." <sound of shotgun being readied>
<fade out>

          This one comes with a warning: Some sexual innuendo. (and tacky innuendo at that) If you don't like such things, don't read further. You have been warned.

          Hey, dating is hard enough, when she's Jewish, and you're Buddist. We don't need any more difficulties in the love scene. But with all those escaped supertroopers hiding in the general populace, it can be downright dangerous these days. So, here's a guide for you swinging singles...

Top 10 Signs Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend is a Supertrooper

10. She doesn't wear perfume; she has phermones.
9. He has "Property of Wolf Den" tattooed on his left buttock...
8. When she gets sunburned, she glows in the dark...
7. His looks CAN kill...
6. You accidentally break a test tube, and she shrieks "Mom!"
5. You're watching the T-1000 strut his stuff in "Terminator 2", and he comments, "What a wuss"...
4. She doesn't own any dye or gel, but her hair is spikes striped pink and purple...
3. His idea of a "light workout" is a 25 mile jog, followed by bench-pressing a Volkswagon Bus...
2. You tell her you're AC/DC, and she morphs into a man to please your flip side...
1. His abs, thighs, and buns of steel can hold magnets (bonus points if this has become your favorite bedroom game...)

          We all know him. We all loathe him. We'd like to space him (Mauler suggested we "keep presurizing the cabin and try to blow him through a quarter size hole" for maximum painfulness). Yes, it's Senator Wheiner, that future citizen of hell (we hope!). There's so many things we could do to the <expletive deleted due to space constraints>. But what would we MOST like to see? Here's a top 10 list of ideas. I could have done a top 100, but I'm tired tonight. Feel free to come up with your own additions. :)

TOP TEN THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE HAPPEN TO SENATOR WHEINER

          <note: those marked with an "*" were not my ideas, but David McMillian's, who gleefully helped me with this list>

10. Eve goes postal, and shoots him when he cuts off her allowance.
9. Doc tosses a wad of photographs on his desk, featuring the Senator, an intern, a bottle of Ouzo, and a mature goat.
8. Supertroopers kidnap him again, and use him as a pinata.
7. * Gets religion, joins a Silent Monastic Order.
6. * Makes a pass at Jessie Foxx before realizing whose daughter she is (can you say, kaBOOM, Thunderbolt style? I thought you could)
5. Demands a military chauffer, and gets Gooseman ("Are you all right back there, Senator? Come on, that was only a three-g hairpin turn on that last intersection..")
4. * Doc gets assigned to check out and overhaul all of Wheiner's computer security arrangements.
3. Queen captures him: makes him the new Court Fool, replacing whatshisname who she sends into deep space for that last crack about her "tactical genius".
2. * Gets the Jim Carey Curse: "I can't LIE!!! Arrrrrrrggghhhh!!!"

And the number one thing we'd like to see happen to Senator Wheiner....

1. Gets voted out of office after the citizens in his district wise up to what an ass he is!

Last updated on 7/1/99